Sentifreak

Troubled Reverie

2009-05-10T22:26:00.000-07:00

Darkness loomed as the rain thundered against the small roof of the store he happened to be in. He hardly cared though as he lifted the bottle to his lips and emptied it. Soon, he will be free of a lingering disease called emptiness. The 'Red Horse Solution' indeed is handy. It's after-effect is beginning to commence.
Paying his due, he briskly ran towards his car. Half-staggering, he managed to get in and start it.
Feeling light-headed, he felt the hurt dissipating. With the hurt almost gone, it was too easy to imagine her sitting right next to him. Too easy to dream. Yet he knew it is not. A girl's silhouette materialized at the corner of his mind.
"Why can't I be over you?" he said, half to himself and half to the girl next him.
The girl smiled sadly.
"You're so selfish, you know that? You could've at least told me, but then.." he said, shrugging.
The girl shook her head.
"None of your excuses this time. None of those tiresome speeches." he said smiling.
The girl smiled.
She's always the defensive one, arguing endlessly about their responsibilities for the just cause of mankind. An idealist. Like him. Their ideals almost always causes them trouble. How they always managed to get through, they have no idea, but the last one cost them very dearly.
"I can still remember our first encounter, your haughty demeanor and your airs." he laughed.
The girl returned a frown.
"There you go again." he laughed.
This time, the girl smiled.
"The editor asked me to stop 'leisuring'," he laughed,"but of course, he doesn't know.." he stopped laughing and frowned.
The girl smiled.
His weakness to alcohol drinking is a known fact to all of his close friends. He would end up vomiting and losing his self control after a few bottles. That is the easy part, for his hangovers are the worst of it. And not to say of his rashes.
But then he told her his true feelings after she beat him in a drinking match. He was sick for a week and has to endure rashes for a month. It's all worth it though, for she took care of him the whole week he's sick.
"Yes, of course I remember, how could I forget that night, must've been embarrassing for you to have me shouting how much I love you at that bar in front of all that people." he said .
The girl shook her head lightly then smiled.
How could he forget, until now, he's been avoiding that place.
"You know what? I'm almost finished with our love story, anyway, the white dress you're now wearing isn't like you at all, a touch of black would make that more like you. I missed wearing our uniform." he said.
The girl smiled.
She likes black and white, like him. Their 'uniforms' are two identical tees that they wear whenever they feel like it.
"Do you think I should let it be published? Some of our more private secrets are there." he winked at her.
The girl nodded.
Entering the expressway, he is unconscious that he's gathering speed. 60-80-100..
"You know what, my life is a bore without you. No one to argue with, no one to fuss with. And no, she can't replace you." he sighed.
The girl shook her head.
"I'm tired." he murmured. I miss you, he could've said.
Each day has been a tasteless gruel for him, a torture to endure, and then sweet, temporary relief at night. It's been always like this since the day..
He knew what would happen next, he would end up in his room, drunk but not nauseating. She would sleep in his bed with him, wrapped in his arms, she would be in his dreams too. His dreams are often short glimpses of the times they were together. Then he would wake up, and she's gone. Another day of boring routine.
And then his goddamned work.
His workmates. Friends.
They will make fun of him, asking him between outbursts to go to a psychiatrist and seek help.
They did not believe in him.
Just a dream.. Extreme depression.. Alcohol.. Drugs?
"What do you think I should do?" he asked.
Tears flow from her eyes.
"Please don't cry, I can't stand you crying, you know that." he said, trying to comfort her.
Despite of her tears, she smiled.
Her tears had been always his weakpoint. Fierce arguments would often end with him consenting to her wishes. But then the last time she cried still haunts him until now.
A fitting remembrance for an ending tale.
"Why did you do that? How could you not tell me!?" he asked furiously.
Her hand found his. He shook off her hand.
"I might have joined you, we could have both.." was all he could say.
He swallowed a lump building in his throat. This is madness. A world without her. A cold world devoid of the girl that keeps him alive.
"Those bastards. They will all go to hell! The police said it is impossible to find out because there were no witnesses." he laughed, hysterically. The girl only shook her head.
"We should've faced them together!" he bellowed, as streams of tears flow from his eyes.
The girl squeezed his hand.
He should've known that their lives were both in danger when they started to write stinging articles about the fraud that happened during the recent election. The vast resources of the party that won ensured that they will always find a plethora of death threats from their workplace to their houses. The last one though is different.
"Instead you faced them alone a-and.. That phone call.. Y-you lied.." he stopped, he could not go on.
He could not, for the life of him forget the phone call that turned out to be their last conversation.
'hi, are you busy?' she asked, her tone losing her usual good natured mood.
'usually, but not to someone as pretty as you.' he said, trying to ease her.
She laughed, a forced and shaky one.
'come on, what's the problem?' he asked uneasily.
'oh, nothing, I just want you to know how, how m- much I-I love you,' she stopped and he could hear her nearing tears.
'I love you too, you're at the office? Let's talk about it,' he said, worryingly.
'no, no, I'm fine, I, uhm, I'll miss you.' she said' finally breaking into tears.
'what are you talking about, are you leaving?' he asked panicking.
'in a manner, yes' she laughed despite her tears.
'please don't do this, is this a joke? It's not funny.'
She laughed, 'of course it is a joke, silly, I love you.'
'God, you'll have me worried sick! I love you too.' he sighed, but then he felt that something isn't right.
'goodbye, I love you. I always will.'
'I love you too, see you later.' he would swear to God he heard her sobbing.
Minutes later, she's on the news.
He watched the news with his heart breaking.
"Why?" was all he could ask.
The girl said nothing as tears flow from her eyes like rain drops.
He could imagine her crying while driving her car as it was chased by her assailants.
He could hear her silent whimpers.
He could smell the perfume he gave her that she's fond of using.
He could see the pursuing cars through the rear mirror.
He could taste the saltiness of her tears as it coursed through her lips.
He could feel her fear as she bid him her last goodbye 'til she hung-up, and with it, her love.
"We're together now, death will not separate us again. I can no longer endure waking up every morning without you by my side." he said as he gripped the steering wheel.
Her hand tried to stop him.
She couldn't.
Both of her hands tried.
He couldn't.
Her eyes met his, "I won't let them take you away from me again!"
With grim resolve, he floored his car.
'Don't do this' her voice rang in his mind.
"There's nothing else left for me to do."
'So much about your pride, why are you running away from this? Start again.'
"Pride eh? It died the day I met you. There are no more fresh starts, it all ended when death took you away!"
'Find another, you won't be alone for long.'
"Later, 'you won't be alone'."
'Don't throw your life away, please.'
"You're my life, there is no more 'life' left for me."
'Don't be stubborn, if you really love me you will go on with your life.'
"If you really love me, you will support me with this, please? Free me from this torture."
'Please..'
"Hey there, I will hear no more useless rhetoric from you, young lady. I'm doing this not only for you but for myself as well, so don't you dare make my love for you as leverage. Are you with me?"
'You're so stubborn, you know that.'
"Oh, but that's our shared trait. For the record you're much more stubborn than me."
She sighed and later on smiled.
He smiled.
"You know what, I would trade the whole world for that smile."
She relaxed her hold of his hand and gently squeezed it.
He let go of the steering wheel and looked at her.
And yes, she's still the most beautiful girl in the world.
His heart missed a beat as he looked at her eyes. He once remarked those eyes could replace the stars in the sky.
And they still could.
A large truck loomed, not very far from his car, it's moving towards his direction.
He didn't care, as he was lost in her lovely eyes. Everything is of secondary importance now that he got her back.
"I love you."
'I love you, too.'
Redemption is at hand.
He's free.
They're free.
A bewildered truck driver.
The blinding lights.
The loud horns from everywhere.
The screeching tires.
His heart pounding just like the first time their eyes met.
The last thing he felt was the softness of her lips as he fall into oblivion..

Frustrating

2009-03-30T09:19:00.002-07:00

I hate it when I feel this
I tried so hard to be at ease
Only to be broken by a discreet glimpse
Of eternity passing in front of me
A disease crawling, without remedy
Your friendship is a lie
You knew my heart will die
You knew everything, I can see
Why don't you tell it to me
Shallow friendship will suffice
Anything familiar but not this
Your heart ever so elusive
Is it to him you give
Your beauty is intoxicating
Your sweet innocence is so enchanting
Your cheerful nature is so comforting
But why oh why
Is it that this love is so FRUSTRATING..???

Believe me

2009-03-30T09:19:00.001-07:00

I love you
With all of my heart, I do
Believe me, my words are true
Don't think I'm fooling around
Humoring, do I sound?
Hear my stammering words
See me shaking, you can't
Saying my feelings, I'm bent
Fooling myself will never be
Us together, just you and me
Faking my heart you thought
Tripping you again so forth
Don't laugh at me, please
Let a smile on your face crease
I'm not making this up
I had already given up
Whether you believe me or not
I will acquiesce to you but
My love for you will never cease
Like a sweet, torturous disease..

Not Enough

2009-03-30T09:18:00.002-07:00

I watched the stars as I ponder
A mystery that has made me wonder
A shadowy streak descend my face
True enough for me to daze
The stinging reality, oh so hurtful
My eyes, for all their worth, turned tearful
Please bear with me like you did
During those times when I'm ever in need
A terrible night last Christmas Eve
The night my heart turned to grieve
The night I free the emotions in me
The night I thought I will be free
You thought all was just play
And scripted all I will ever say
A trick again for you to be prey
Never be old enough if I may
The gravity of my words all too jovial?
That your affections will forever be filial?
See me shaking you can not
On my knees, my guts a knot
A lump in my throat I swallowed
A thing called Pride I enamored
I forced the words out my mouth
I checked myself lest I shout
You wouldn't believe me, oh for heaven's sake!
Words to make you believe, my mind I rake
Found none I sighed in frustration
Even the ones I used in my infatuations
So, hurriedly I said I Love You
I wish I could've added "is there a hope for us, two?"
But then, I've already hung it up
Though the words I said are not enough..

Eye Contact

2009-03-30T09:18:00.001-07:00

Colors lashing everywhere
Distant memories of forever
I completely regret
A moment I will never forget
Glancing towards you
Enough to make me blue
The moment I saw your eyes
Muffled my heart's cries
The moment our eyes met
Like a melodramatic epithet
A few seconds of bliss
Turn towards me again, please
Hurt me again, for it feels so good
I'm terribly shaken as I stood
The pain of my emotions throb
The opportunity I failed to grab
Explain to you everything
Listen to the songs I'll sing
This remorseless love oh so cruel
My heart, cursed be it, is so brittle...

Why

2009-03-30T09:17:00.000-07:00

Here I am now
Bored and scribbling furiously
Words uncertain
I have nothing to gain
But the unbridled animosity
Of almost everybody
I had done nothing wrong
Then why am I on this throng
An infamous slanderer
It will be marked forever
A sarcastic group message
That ruined the school's image
Our mentors are so angry
I had been summoned by decree
Words that strangled my heart
My friends and I needs to part
Driven home by her son
Ashen faces before I was gone
My mother crying
My rage seething
What have you done?
What have I done?
I wish I could retract those words
And drive home these swords
Uncertain the future is
Their hatred must cease
Indefinite suspension
Why not hasten the conclusion?
Two months more to endure
Traitorous cancer with no cure...

It's over I'd given up

2009-03-30T09:16:00.000-07:00

Hidden emotions far away
Beguiled and keeping me stray
Rise up, poor pride, and fight
Remember to keep out her sight
Keep your mind in control
For if it's the heart, you'll fall
Fight with your backs to the wall
Wish that hostilities will stall
It's hopeless, she's too strong
And the cause your at is wrong
Let the defences cease
The heart once more will crease
Pride, dignity and chauvinist ego has failed
Her triumph, enough has been said
Vanquished emotions faltered
Myself as a person has been altered
Utter the letters with a cry
In anguish and defeat, sing "L. I. L. Y."

Frustrated

2009-03-30T09:14:00.001-07:00

I am cold
I hurt
I am broken
I am mad
I am miseried
I am on the verge of insanity
I lower my self
I swallowed my pride
I broke my confidence
I offered my heart
I am losing my mind
I am giving up my soul
I am worthless
I am hopeless
I am not me
If I am me
I would never be lost
I would never be numb
I would never give up my heart
My mind
My soul
My freewill
My dream
My hope
My sanity
Never be worthless
Never be hopeless
For a....Girl
Who never knew me
Whom I never met
Who will never like me
Who will never be willing to love me the way i love her
Who can never return my love
Who can never be mine to love
Never be mine to cherish
Never be mine to comfort
Never be mine to spend forever with
Never be mine to hug
Never be mine to kiss
Such are the ironies of love
You can give up everything
You can be anything
You can do anything
For the one you love most
But is she willing to return the favor
Will she love you
Will she give up everything for you
Will she be anything for you
No,she cant be what you want her to be that she don,t want to be
All you can do is to sit in a corner
Ponder
Cry
Write
All of your frustrations and doubts and questions
For life is unfair
Unkind
God is not always there
Your friends are not always
For you
Your life is not always yours
Your fate is not always
Wat you want
And destiny isn't real
Nor happy endings
And ladies and prince charmings
Sometimes you need to cry
Even though its girlish
For someone...
Totally alien
Yet so familiar
So cruel
Yet so sweet
Very ill mannered
Yet so pretty
So demeans me
Yet so encourages me
So makes me look pitiful
Yet makes me feel better
So makes me sorrowful
Yet makes me cheerful
So makes me feel insecure
Yet makes me feel safe
So makes me feel apathetic
Yet broke lethargy in me
So gives me much worries
Yet I'm happy
So pains me
Yet I LOVE HER
So much
And it pains me to see her and do nothing
And it pains me to see her and just stalk away
And it pains me to see her and just sigh
And it pains me to see her and just daydream
And it pains me to see her and just look away
And it pains me to see her and just wish i was with her
Nd it pains me 2 c her and just clench my fist
Nd it greatly pains me to see her and just
Stare
Knowing that she doesn't know how much it pains me love and see her from a distance...

Please don't be like that

2009-03-30T09:13:00.001-07:00

Tell me your angry
That your terribly upset being with me
That your smiles are just masks
That those laughters are rehearsed
That those looks are just a deception
That those words are lies
Never Ever
Tell me that those are real
I'll just be hurt more
I would fol myself again
I would harbor delusions once more
Sleepless nights again
Im tired
I'm too spent
But i'd still continue
'Cause it's what my heart says..

Help me Free Myself from You

2009-03-30T09:11:00.000-07:00

Sentiments

2009-03-30T09:10:00.002-07:00

Sitting outside aimlessly looking at the stars, I could not help but to think of you. Your bright eyes could've been a great addition to those stars. A sober compliment from a sober boy like me. Great, I could not afford to be sentimental now. Couldn't I? I've always been sentimental, cherishing everything that comes from those persons that compasses my life. From you. Especially the few moments in my life with which you have had a part. Here I go again. I hate it when i go like this. Reminiscing. It brings about another session of sweet torture for me, hindering my long-suffering plan of ever moving on and throwing me back again to a sub-real world with which you're with me. Not easy, I assure you. A few moments to savor a love that will never be mutual. A few moments of bliss. And then reality. The realization that we'll never be stings the hardest. As if a great hand squeezes my heart. Yeah, heart. That forsaken thing. You could only imagine how my heart reacts whenever you're near or you're talking to me. And that makes me remember, one time we're talking, I'm shaking! Good thing no one else saw it. Talking to you. I control myself hard else words I never had the courage to tell you slip from my tonque. There was one time wherein I almost, almost told you those words. Fortunately I got hold of myself, wheew! I know nothing would come out of us even if I ever tell you, just the respect of my heart for a coward like me. Acceptance is a long, long way ahead. To tell you the truth I haven't really accepted it, still hoping for something, a compromise perhaps? Self-redemption is also distant, I could only hope to forgive myself for falling to you. I'm not saying you're not worthy to fall into, rather, you're just too perfect for me. You're just not meant for me. That hurts. A lot, if you'd like to ask. It would take time, I know, to fully accept that this battle is lost from the beginning. And it would take much longer time to accept that we could never be more than what we are now, that this love will never be mutual, that we're just friends (are we?) no more, no less..

A Masked Conversation

2009-03-30T09:10:00.001-07:00

I rose from yesterday's ashes
Bereft of everything but pride
I saw you, so radiant and sweet
Your eyes are wondering
I smiled and told you I'm alright0
Them you burst into tears
Wrap you in my arms, I cannot
I asked what problem you have
You said he does not appreciate you
I said maybe he does, it's a boy's thing
But within, I'm filled with rage
Why would he do that to someone as special as you?
You said he doesn't seen to care
I said boys do case but seldom show it
You said you can't feel his love
I said love is greater when it is not felt
I wish I could hug you and never let go
I wish I could tell you I'll treasure you
I wish I could tell you I LOVE YOU....

Sentimental

2009-03-30T09:09:00.000-07:00

Decadence took hold of me
I'm down on my knees for everyone to see
A fallen sarcophagus of some long forgotten magnificence
A manifestation of how far love could drag down it's unlucky prey
You stared at me
Pity me not, I said hoarsely
You shooked your head
Soft words you spoke
Soothing to the ears yet poison for the heart
And then you turned away
Leaving me half-dead
Despite of myself, I whispered, I Love You
But you were gone..

2009-03-30T09:08:00.000-07:00

I look in your eyes
I cant sort out your lies
I tried to think that you care
but all I see is how you care for him
I tried to fool myself
I picture you in my dreams
always with me
yet I cant go on Pretending forever
I wake myself up
tears brimming in my eyes
reassuring myself
that there are 3 billion girls out there
I prayed a prayer in my mind
praying that love i could find
I'm pleading, Will you?
At least take out this mask
in my face
so that I could at least tell you
how much I care
how much I love you...

Eye Opener

2009-03-30T09:06:00.000-07:00

You think your so wise.. You think no one could best you, let alone catch up with you.. You largely ignored others' capabilities as either too paltry or too scant.. You are so confident that you think of everyone as inferior compareD to you.. You judged others tremendously yet can't accept others' comments against you.. You wanted so badly to show how great you have become.. So badly to show off.. In defense of your insatiable and unrelenting PRIDE and of the lies you had been telling yourself, you were so keen on pointing out flaws in the 1st secti0n, that you yourself once did.. And they are aghast at you.. You made so many enemies, that you became so insecure and quite dubious of who you really are.. They opened your eyes.. Expounded every bit of self-doubt you had long ago buried.. Outwardly, your so firm.. Determined.. So people around you can't see how hurt you were.. How with every smirk and biting comment you made, your breaking inside.. That no matter how hard you try not to bother abouT what they said, a part of you believes it's true.. Too bad, isn't it, that the one thing that's been with you ever since: pride, has betrayed you.. You changed.. A lot.. And, your such a LIAR.. Playing with your heart as if it's a toy.. Lying even with the person you most cared for.. What a Liar you have become.. Lying as if its a natural thing.. Teasing your friends with things you also have in you.. Pretending is also your specialty.. Your such a great pretender that you always managed to fool the people around you.. You even managed to pull out of sitaati0ns with w/c your lies weer sorted out.. Pretending with HER is a real pain for you right? For your heart won't stop vying for HER.. If only people around you can see how you shake while talking to her.. How your eyes averted her's.. How you managed to drown your heart's cries to tell her how u feel.. How u managed to smile even if your crying inside.. How hard for you to weave stories about someone for her suspicions to subside.. How hard you try not to stammer or spill your long kept secret.. How you hated yourself after conversations for not telLing her that you love her.. Pretty pathetic for such a liar like you.. You're also a schemer.. Scheming thIngs have become your pastime.. Your greatest achievements and frustrati0ns could be traced with your scheming.. And yet you won't stop.. Sufferring chronic disappointments in exchange for a few minutes of bliss.. You have been waiting for too long, RIGHT? For the m0ment that you might strike again, against those persons who insulted you.. For the moment you would stop lying and pretending, especialLy to HER once and for all.. For the moment of truth whence you'll be able to accept how WRONG YOU ARE FROM THE START..
I hate you..
To myself..

Farewell S60

2009-03-30T09:04:00.000-07:00

[CENTER]I'm deep pondering what had happened
An opportunity Fate has thrown my way
To my long search an end
The product of a very long day
And now what I sought I see
I failed to found in S60
<>
The soft breeze of multitasking
I sacrificed for the sake of having
A large touchscreen for web browsing
And for a decent video clip viewing
Switching allegiance is not easy
So please forgive me S60
<>
My old N70me never failed me
Save for some times it really had to
But I had to swap it with a heavy sigh
For a Sony Ericsson P990i
I know S60 will be the future for me
But for now, FAREWELL TO YOU S60..[/CENTER]

Innocent Love

2009-03-30T09:03:00.000-07:00

Suffering patiently by myself
Softly wishIng that my heart won't break
You've broken me just for love's foolish sake
Smiling i swallowed the lump in my throat
I said,"stop lamenting for that turncoat..."

Fading plastic smiles are all that you lefT
When we were togethr in that sweet place
Absurd fantasies that will never be
Us being togethr just you and me

Now im still clutching that queer secret
Deep inside the center of my soul
This love that wilL take any kind of toll
This love that wil last 'til my very end
Could you,just once,thine heart you lend

Dont you smile to me anymore,so please
Take away those lipS with its rending kiss
However you and those times i would miSs
So the thIng i would never have is Peace
Because of this love that will never cease

To God and to those in heaven,i pray
To you frustrated words i shall not say
And never to swear or curse that day
When you set my heart for a mean chld's play
So 'til now tributes i'll forever pay

You'll always be an island of no man
A drifting dream that wilL be far away
Be proud you've broken a confident one
You wilL always hold me under your sway
A fitting end for a make believe tale

The Calling of the Left

2009-03-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

Leftism is the tendency of a person to challenge orthodox views to see a change in the way things are. Leftists believe in the equality of all people. Then why am I so fascinated in this. I believe that all people are equal. Some might be stronger,wiser or wealthier but we all have rights. We earned these rights the moment we were born. These rights are: to be free,to live and to pursue happiness. Even if we are different racially that doesn't make a difference. Those rights are given to us by the Supreme Being we had chosen to believe. I also think that the government should be directly answerable to the people it serve. True democracy can only be achieve if all of the people in a nation participates, if all of the people in a nation cares. Other than that, any supposed-to-be democratic nations that is not run thru direct democracy can only be considered as an oligarchy, an alliance of the rich and the powerful each one pulling a string on the supposedly powerful executive. That's the reason why they have stayed in power too much. That's the reason why the our country and numerous else third world countries have not developed at all. Economists, staticticians, bankers and other persons might say differently but let's not forget they are the same oligarchs whose support the government craves for. They will show graphs, paper showing the economy prospered and continues to prosper, statistics about how greatly improved the common way of life has, but does it really matter for the millions of people who view each day as some kind of survival of the fittest, wherein if they won't work, they won't eat? That's the very reason leftism holds such a charm on these people, us. We aren't born well-endowed, let alone powerful but we still believe that change would never take place unless we take the initiative and work for ourselves because we know that even though the government talks all day and night about how concerned it is, it simply does not have the will to initiate a change. Will the leftist change that we will be superimposing on our nation be successful or will it plunge us deeper? We might never know but we will be sure of one thing: we made a difference and that's what it's all about.

Untitled (for the project in english)

2008-11-07T23:11:00.001-08:00

Darkness loomed over the horizon of the Bacchanal city, Eleusina. Ashen faces of people kept on looking over the city walls, as if an unseen enemy is threatening the city. Conversations are little more than whisphers and the last vestiges of the recent celebrations were cast down. It has been a week since the city was last attacked, the attack coincided with the Eleusinian Mysteries and all were unprepared then. A lot of them died and a part of the walls was broken. The walls were hastily repaired and strengthened, and only later that they discovered that all Bacchanal cities were attacked that day. Refugees streamed to Eleusina, people with the same convictions, people with the same allegiance. A handful of Bacchanal cities were captured that day, inhabitants massacred and the cities razed.

Why Sentifreak?

2008-11-07T22:10:00.000-08:00

Emo's the trend nowadays, I decided to be different. I'm not that concerned with how I dress, as long as I'm comfortable. I'm not into rock music with no sense and mindless shouting (screamo?), I like sentimental music the most. I dont like lacerations too. Like most young people these days, I'm tormented by my heart..